Franken-Sub

It's an obsession but it's pleasin'... Not my words (thanks Hunter), but they seem to be running through my mind lately. As I have been blogging a bit, I have begun a journey online that rekindles my days as an online pornographer. I have noticed that my drive is increased (for sex) and that I am fixated on images of bondage and erotic submission. I can't get enough. My mind is rather consumed with the D/s relationship, and the intricacies it conjures for me. Mind you, I am cerebral. I need to know the why's of things. Perhaps there are lifestylers out there who 'do' more than think. I am not these. I find the meaning of activities and their symbolism important. I also find that it gets in the way, or more creates a mental obsession that causes me sometimes to question my dominance. Why would my mind rule me, I ask myself? You are a dominant, I say to myself. You should have command of your thoughts and feelings. Control. Get a grip. And thus goes the internal dialog... You can decide to dismiss me as a poser, I don't care. I am here to speak openly. If I show vulnerability and you don't like it, that's okay by me. That sort of reminds me of a sub who told me she prefers calloused hands. I haven't done enough hard labor to have them, so I will not be spanking her anytime soon if that is something she needs from her Dom. I accept that I have dominant feelings, attitudes and traits; and that I want to explore a certain type of relationship where I am Master. That doesn't necessitate that I be without weakness, vulnerability, emotion or any other quality that creates an impression on the surface that I am not what I say I am. Anyway...

I have recently begun a rather intimate relationship with a submissive. Very inexperienced, bless her little heart. And I have created a monster.

Franken-Sub is born when a dominant allows too much to go un-checked, and when the dominant refrains from establishing the nature and dynamic of the relationship as well as the parameters and the expectations (with the sub's consent and accord, obviously). The danger I guess is that the dynamic can become a very conventional male-to-female relationship, which I recently had to correct. Conversely, I have nobody to fault but myself. In dealing with one so inexperienced, it is refreshing on some level. There is less of a concern for me in establishing what is already known, what areas need work, and what areas need complete overhaul. That is actually nice for me because there is less pressure and confusion with respect to a sub's previous experience. There is also a refreshing magical quality when discussing kinky things, as if I get to discover or re-discover them for myself. In the same token, there is a challenge to explore her attitudes and fears and resistances that are virtually unknown. As this occurs—as these are uncovered, and as her submission is cultivated, my dear pet develops an emotional attachment that has no outlet beyond her conventional experience, and Franken-Sub is born.

I have to step back and ask myself what I want from the relationship. I have to consider her needs, her fears, her blocks, and so forth. I find, however, a repulsive instinct. I want to control the attachment, to tame it, to channel it in some way away from the conventional amorous attachment that is bringing forth in my pet these responses. I have a feeling I could be subject to flamers and lambasting—that I am in some way calloused in my heart rather than my hands.

The traditional concept of monogamy, I think, gets in the way to some extent. I am married, and my submissive is not my wife. This really precludes the notion common to so many D/s relationships of the One, but is certainly not uncommon—nor is it without the outpouring of morality speeches and criticism. I have concluded from my own life experience, that monogamy is biologically flawed, and society has eroded the true nature of sex relationships. This does not make the act of engaging in a D/s relationship any easier, but it still serves to reshape my views from my experience. I am at the point, I gather, where these feelings, moral propensities and opinions are still developing, and perhaps the monster I have created is me.