Lisa Lynette Clark: In Need of Training

Again, we are scouring the bottom of the entire notion of celebrity, avoiding the obvious antics (for now) of Paris, Nicole, Britney and Lindsay. This week delivers a fine candidate for celebrity slave training, straight from Google's Zeitgeist volcanic list. Lisa Lynette Clark was released from prison today. Her activity with the 15 year old boy who was friend's with her son was scandalous to say the least. Setting aside the legal and moral issues, I can't help but find arousal in my loins for the whole MILF and cougar fantasy that made both headlines and internet porn legend and dream.

Since she is now free to walk the earth, we would suggest a 5-day stay at the celebrity slave training academy, where she would fulfill the fantasy of every young man who wanted to indulge. Since she was audacious enough to deliver a child while behind bars, we would begin her training as a full-fledged breeder, where we would attach a constant nipple suction device to train her nipples for suckling all the babies she would be forced to have, and then she would endure a strict milking regime, followed by insemination at hourly intervals.

Her offspring would be nursed at her breast for a reasonable period, and then they would be taken to the orphanage for adoption to families who are having difficulty conceiving. We feel there is so much potential for a wanton slut like Clark, and she would certainly fulfill the insatiable appetites of our staff as she was used throughly as a sex toy for our staff and guests.

Amy Winehouse: In Need of Training

Leave it to the notorious to offer themselves up at just the right time... I was contemplating a new section to indulge my sadism, and I came up with Celebrity Slave Training. Herein I would offer readers the pleasure of seeing who, in my own view, would benefit from a customized program of rigorous training and discipline. A note to celebrity readers: if you haven't made an appearance on the list, you may inquire within, and of course I will develop a method of breaking you custom suited to your particular brand of wantonness and depravity.

So, just as I was creating the perfect programs for the likes of the obvious, who should appear in the headlines but our first candidate, Amy Winehouse. Amy is a perfect specimen for discipline, and now that she has finally succumbed to the notion that she will, in fact, go to rehab, she will be our first visitor to Rough Writer's Slave Training Academy.

First off, we must have sufficient cause to enslave any given celebrity, and Winehouse has earned a scholarship for her wild lifestyle, her delusions about her addictions, her rebelliousness and her complete lack of humility and remorse. She thumbs her nose at the wisdom proffered her that was designed to help her, and she certainly could use a strong guiding hand to enhance her creative capabilities, ensure her personal longevity, and just generally keep her in line. You can see in this photograph (courtesy of britishmusicscene.com) that she wears her cockiness on her sleeve, which is seen to unsuccessfully mask her personal suffering.

The program best suited for her would begin with an intervention, obviously. This would involve some sort of abduction, where she would be grabbed and tossed in the academy van to be held captive by our staff. Upon arrival at the facility (an industrial building), she would be subject to isolation and confinement in the form of a hogtie, where she would be gagged and left alone on a dirty mattress to think about what she's done. Every four hours she would be visited by the staff and interrogated. After she accepted that she was truly in need of the sort of discipline offered at the academy, she would be thoroughly invaded by a series of long glass crack pipes. These would be left in her for long periods, and upon removal she would be whipped every hour as she was bound to the cement wall in her cell.

As she progressed, she would be allowed to walk the grounds on all fours, leashed and collared. She would be required to keep a journal of her training experiences, and she would accept the counsel of our staff at the end of each day. You can see by the video below (hopefully before it's pulled from YouTube) that the days leading up to her final concession show her to be insane, and in dire need of some form of behavior modification.