Amy Winehouse: In Need of Training

Leave it to the notorious to offer themselves up at just the right time... I was contemplating a new section to indulge my sadism, and I came up with Celebrity Slave Training. Herein I would offer readers the pleasure of seeing who, in my own view, would benefit from a customized program of rigorous training and discipline. A note to celebrity readers: if you haven't made an appearance on the list, you may inquire within, and of course I will develop a method of breaking you custom suited to your particular brand of wantonness and depravity.

So, just as I was creating the perfect programs for the likes of the obvious, who should appear in the headlines but our first candidate, Amy Winehouse. Amy is a perfect specimen for discipline, and now that she has finally succumbed to the notion that she will, in fact, go to rehab, she will be our first visitor to Rough Writer's Slave Training Academy.

First off, we must have sufficient cause to enslave any given celebrity, and Winehouse has earned a scholarship for her wild lifestyle, her delusions about her addictions, her rebelliousness and her complete lack of humility and remorse. She thumbs her nose at the wisdom proffered her that was designed to help her, and she certainly could use a strong guiding hand to enhance her creative capabilities, ensure her personal longevity, and just generally keep her in line. You can see in this photograph (courtesy of britishmusicscene.com) that she wears her cockiness on her sleeve, which is seen to unsuccessfully mask her personal suffering.

The program best suited for her would begin with an intervention, obviously. This would involve some sort of abduction, where she would be grabbed and tossed in the academy van to be held captive by our staff. Upon arrival at the facility (an industrial building), she would be subject to isolation and confinement in the form of a hogtie, where she would be gagged and left alone on a dirty mattress to think about what she's done. Every four hours she would be visited by the staff and interrogated. After she accepted that she was truly in need of the sort of discipline offered at the academy, she would be thoroughly invaded by a series of long glass crack pipes. These would be left in her for long periods, and upon removal she would be whipped every hour as she was bound to the cement wall in her cell.

As she progressed, she would be allowed to walk the grounds on all fours, leashed and collared. She would be required to keep a journal of her training experiences, and she would accept the counsel of our staff at the end of each day. You can see by the video below (hopefully before it's pulled from YouTube) that the days leading up to her final concession show her to be insane, and in dire need of some form of behavior modification.